Yearnings…

Beloved, would you ever be mine?
And for that matter, what is mine?
What would you do, or we do, that makes you mine. And me yours?

What kind of abstract thought is this? This being mine and yours?

Neither of us can possess each other and yet I am yearning for belonging.
Would a name tag do?
But I never wanted to change my name. Neither would I.
There is nothing like my name and your name together in my mind and yet I want to belong to you somehow.

What do I do?

Have I told you how I have fantasized about our kids? The adopted ones?

Nah, I didn’t adopt multiple kids. Just one. With you.
Mother and father.

And he stays with me on vacations. With you rest of the time…
Sometimes we all spend time together. Like a month or so.
I convince you to stay and school him from my place. We stay a year together…

I forgot to write about this. I told you about the letters, didn’t I?

Ah! Beloved… What have you done to make me ready to leave behind everything?
What is it that I can do away with everything in this moment?

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Wondering…

Sometimes I wonder:

If the situation stayed
And I were replaced by her

Would you react the same?

3 AM Thoughts

Sometimes I want to hold your hand and say,
“Don’t go yet. I still need you around. Be. Maybe just for a little more time. I know there’s nothing more to talk. Savor this silence with me. Let us just be.”
But leaving, you take away your hand abruptly. A strange anger in you. Your eyes rebuke me in a certain manner.
Somehow I know I shouldn’t say anything anymore.

I am Near

I had cried hard someday,
“Where are you,
Call me back!”
The promise of “I am Near”

There was no voice reciprocating
no condolence, no light
I knew no better
The promise of “I am Near”

Shattered, in pieces
I yearned for light
I called, “When?”
The promise of “I am Near”

All the forms of care I knew
communication, touch
the yearning of His caress
The promise of “I am Near”

I had thought of fatherly strokes,
His hands on my head
Ah! my innocence, expectations
The promise of “I am Near”

And days later, I looked beyond
tears that had blurred vision
Ways He had reached out
The promise of “I am Near”

That sudden song I never heard before
That poem titled “Sawaal”
That recurrent dream, giving solace
The promise of “I am Near”

A sudden thought of hope,
A distant ray of light
The hand that said, “I am”
The promise of “I am Near”

No, the ways weren’t what I thought
He didn’t stand in front, embracing
physically He was never there
The promise of “I am Near”

And yet, all I could see was Him
in every breath, His presence
Managing my affairs through someone
The promise of “I am Near”

 

 

 

Granted?

How many times have we heard of greatness? Of being something of value. Of being looked upto. But while we pray for such things, do we realise what would happen if all of that turned true? How would life be? Would it be some journey we are ready to embark on?

“Zindagi shamma ki surat ho khudaya meri”
It was pretty easy to pray for. Being a candle in a society. Being light. But did any of us realise what would it be like, burning like a candle to enlighten? What would it take to be that much to a society…

And what if some day we actually stumble across our destiny. If the prayer was accepted at some point of life, would we accept it? Would we be able to do justice to the work we have called upon us? To the responsibility we have asked for?

Do we mean every word we speak?

If not, then why yearn in the first place?

Granted

I had yearned someday
Away from crowd
The noise, blasting horns

Away from the sweltering heat
The makeshift hell
The stillness hanging in the air

I had yearned a starry night
An open air
Company

And here I land
In a cold vale
Pouring, cleansing me!

Else’s Beloved

It was easy calling one special.
A few words of appreciation.
Introduction.

It was easy to get through.
A naive heart.
Attachments

They all said love empowers.
How you yearn the beloved. Happy.
Distance never matters.

Did they not ask a yearning heart.
The pain, trauma.
Watching beloved associated with another.

The smiles they would share.
A life time together.
Why didn’t someone mention the pain?

The dull ache when you see beloved with someone else?
Happy. Oblivious to your pain?
Why?

 

Final Step

Many times our dreams, our goals are just one step away from us. We just have to extend our hand and grab it. But more often than not, we are afraid of thatfinal step. That last brick in the wall.

Though we say we desire so and so but we never really yearn for it. Because if we did, we would grab it even if it were miles afar.

It is this last step that discloses whether that dream, that goal is really sought. Whether we really crave for it, yearn it.

All excuses, delays, time, blah blah come forth when we do it half hearted, as a compulsion. Else nothing would or could stop us.

On another level, maybe we are afraid to complete the journey. Once this dream, this goal is achieved, what would life be like. There won’t be this goal to work for. Would life lose its meaning? Would there be nothing else to look forward to? Would it be the end of everything? Would it invoke the feelings of lost?

Heart Breaker

There was this girl
Magical
An aura of happy
Energy!

I fall for her
Instantaneous
The way she talks
The laughter

I reveal to her
My yearnings
She rolls her eyes
“Really?!”

I narrate my ordeal
Over and again
Oh! I love you
Love you, love you, love you

She, a stone at heart
Shooing me away everytime
Inhumane, rude
A heart breaker!

Underprivileged!

There were kids-playing
No luxury of toys
a folded papercup
a slipper in hand…

They played barefoot
The joy of even playing
life of less previledged
of poverty, hunger, deprivation

They roamed streets,
selling
sometimes even begging
search for a meal.

Nobody to care for
an affectionate hand on head
They, their own guardians
they themselves the children!