Intent

Intent.
That will to do something. Achieve. Be.
That something you aren’t ready to negotiate upon.

Intent. 
That lack of will they said I had. That lack of pure passion that fuels success. That I didn’t want anything done.

Intent.
Days when I actually lacked everything else. Just breathing because it doesn’t need a voluntary will. No efforts.

Intent.
Sometimes the will to give up too. That done for feeling. That I didn’t belong and it all was a farce.

Intent.
The thing they said, maybe just to disqualify me.

Don’t Give Up

The times when you so want to curl up and cry, to hide somewhere, run away from everyone….

The times when you feel like giving up, like everything is worthless, like nothing is working in the way desired…

The times when the world comes crashing, when the skies fall, when the earth bursts open, when even the closest ones leave your side…

The times when you lose the purpose of living, when nothing makes a sense, when even the next breath is a burden…

Don’t give up! Look up into your eyes, re-ignite that fire, visualize your purpose. There’s an answer to everything…

A Dark Room

Rising urge…
Letting things go
Fear, floods, a thomping heart
So…?
Working of it all-
Fear as reigns
Terror, fright, helplessness
Oh! The pits of gloom
An occasional light,
Rays of hope
Frantic search of who I am
Sudden return of the night
How it turns me blind
Numb to pain- to this dark
As if some chains bound
Even the luxury of pain
And yet I couldn’t be restrained
Pointing fingers at destiny

Hope

At one time or the other everyone feels stressed. And on those times we choose to worry about what all can go wrong, what all is against our success, how by a single mistake everything can get ruined, blah blah blah.

And in those few moments we tend to loose all our hope and confidence in ourselves. Further efforts go waste as we do them thinking we are not worth.

What we forget is hope is that light which pierces darkness. Even if it be bleak, hope lends warmth to the soul and the courage to walk further.

Walking in a wrong direction is still better than staying still at a place with no progress at all.

Exodus

She visualised her exodus
she was moving farther away
leaving a childhood behind,
no more the legacy of calling home.

No longer waking to mom’s call
neither be pampered by dad often
running to win against bro
and stealing candy when sis was gone…

Who would she have fun with now?
She is expected mature
work and act emotionless
poised; balanced; letting nothing show…

But where to keep the child within?
should she lock her up somewhere
never letting her peek out
or should she put her straight to death….

She fought tears while leaving
who would love and caress her
can it be even remotely same
as to what she lived before…

He had promised it would be good
but would his family be as lovely
would they really cherish her being
and be a loving family?

Her fears told her otherwise
instead of mom would be a critic;
her moments restricted at home and out
working; cleaning; however tired

She would have no say in affairs
even if something concerned her
would she ever be consulted and asked?
Would she ever … fit in?

Would her mother not tease and taunt
question her skills and expertise
would she be insulted for mistakes
Oh! The pain of even thinking …

What if someday she has a strife
by whose side would he stand
would he look for the truth behind
or blindly agree to his family’s version?

Would he leave her alone, such
making her feel out of place
making her rethink the decision,
was marriage even worth?

She left, clutching her heart in hand
maybe she needed a stone instead
wearing a fake mask of strength on face …
and locking the bubbly child inside…!

How Long?

Sitting up all night, drenched in sweat with the forehead lines visible. Evidently stressed. Overthinking a scenario and indulging in “what-ifs”. No work is produced. All that happens is high production of adrenaline, with  a throbbing pain in head and a heartburn. Sometimes all this leading to pain in chest. No, its not a heart attack due to high cholesterol levels, it is due to stress cardiomyopathy. Due to excessively high levels of adrenaline in heart muscles causing them to get numb, rendering them nonfunctional.

But what was causing this amount of stress to lead one to a heart attack? Mismanagement. When resources are mismanaged or used up in less important areas, this is bound to happen. Resources are exhausted in those unimportant jobs and the most important stuff remains pending. Voila! you reach the worry stage where you are fretting about that should be done. What measures should be taken to curb the problem in the bud.

Working frantically. All should be done on emergency basis. Everything is termed urgent. Adrenaline effect. But certain things do not work as expected. Some small things turn up to be large to work on. Some are difficult to deal with. And with some motivation is lost. And this emergency status on all kinds of work causes fatigue. So, if earlier you were doing x amount of work in certain number of hours, now you work  {x-work that could have been done in time used in worry and rest}. The production levels reduce. And the work pressure increases with inverse proportionality. The less work accomplished, the more the pressure.

This exhaustion further delays the progress of work. Work gets stuck at a place as you tend to refresh the mind. And when you are refreshed, alas! time remaining is too little. Now what can be done? What methodology should be applied so one may accomplish all in time? Work untiringly. Nothing else can sort the problem. And working like this under immense pressure makes the work proceed fast.

Work accomplished, Now time for presentation. Everything finishes up well.

But on the return trip, heart suddenly meets a failure. Unable to pump. The muscles turn numb. Though the muscles recover within days, but how long will the heart bear it all?