Don’t Give Up

The times when you so want to curl up and cry, to hide somewhere, run away from everyone….

The times when you feel like giving up, like everything is worthless, like nothing is working in the way desired…

The times when the world comes crashing, when the skies fall, when the earth bursts open, when even the closest ones leave your side…

The times when you lose the purpose of living, when nothing makes a sense, when even the next breath is a burden…

Don’t give up! Look up into your eyes, re-ignite that fire, visualize your purpose. There’s an answer to everything…

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Unspeakable

I sit on a glass table
some coffee, music

Plethora of thoughts,
a hurricane

I sit, with a pen, open
ready to pen down

a story, a poem, or…
some kind of solace

All I could see, in front –
a blank sheet stained with tears!

Seeking

I kept wandering, looking around
Something that would ease my pain
Seeking

I didn’t know what to look for
or to recognise it
Emptiness

I sought alone,
people exagerated madness
Fear

I sought freedom,
away from chains and boundations
Suffocation

I sought release
a burden of expectations on my shoulder
Chained

And yet I couldn’t see
it was fear ruling me
Apprehension

Looking over my mistakes
Blaming all others
I expected some magic
To pull me out of chaos!

Unending Search!

Sitting by the window pane she gazed outside. It was raining heavily. Now for hours together. These incessant rains had triggered off her memories. She could see her past in front of her eyes. Alive, active.

She had been a naïve sweet girl. Vary amicable and adventurous. Hyperactive. Type A personality. She always found something to do. Idle state was never meant for her! She moved around like an excited electron emitting energy. Or maybe a radioactive nucleus emitting radiations continuously. She simply could not stop. The high she got from being active was her motivation to be so even more.

She interacted with everyone. Trusted everyone easily. Everyone was a friend. Caring. Till a point in life all her care and love was reciprocated. Living was bliss. Hugs and kisses.

But how long does life let you be happy? Not long. Never. Life had huge plans for her. Everything was written in minute details. Every moment had been described. Every breath she drew had something associated. No, she did not fall in love. Her friends had always been enough. But now she was at a new place. Amongst new people. She had not changed but people around were no longer same. She discovered a new reality of life. Selfishness. Greed. People were not into friendships. Rather they had acquaintances whom they would use in times of need.  Everything was need driven. Unaware of this, she trusted and loved everyone equally, unconditionally. Only this time it was not reciprocated. All she got back was avoidance. This marred her initially. Were these people (supposedly) not her friends? No. though this dawned late on her, but she did realise this truth. No one was worth being called a friend. Undeserving.

Now she knew how to keep her expectations low. But then how could she? When she was a vault, she expected everyone to be the same. Unfortunate. No one was. She could not find herself a support. Learning to live by herself, and adopting to the emptiness too took some time. And then she stumbled across a person. A mentor. And here she lost herself again. She trusted him. Expected him to be, though low, but she did. It was beautiful cause he also displayed care. Maybe she mattered to him too. Did she? She came to know this soon enough. Her queries increased over time. Viola! He feels bugged and intruded due to her. An expected and awaited heartbreak.

What wrong had she expected? Some attention? An ear? A caressing hand? He was her mentor. Could she not expect even out of him? She could not understand what was happening in life. One day he would be a friend, the very next a strict introvert pissed off due to her! Beyond her comprehension.

This was not the first time it had happened. She had had multiple heartbreaks. Some even came from her best friends and close people. But this proved to be the final nail in the coffin. This incident sealed it all. She cried and talked. Talked to herself, giving explanations. Justifications. Attempting to cover up the wound that lay open. No one heard. No response. She screamed out her innocence. Words could not go beyond the walls. Soon enough she fell unconscious.

She could not understand the way world and people work. You choose to trust them and they break it. You choose not to and you lose all the great people who are actually bothered about you. Chaos. Silence.

And now she roamed the asylum corridors. Searching for her words, her innocence, her fault. Still searching answers. Herself!