What Do I Do?

Did you hear that sound? Like something fell off from somewhere? That drop of water falling onto an uncleaned dish in the sink? Hear those steps? Is somebody coming over?

This flutter in the heart! Oh, God!… What is happening! Don’t we say gut feelings are never wrong? Then what calamity is about to befall me? What is it that could go wrong? I should probably do nothing today, nothing at all, and stay here. Staying indoors would make sure nothing can befall me. And nobody can know where I am if I just stay in bed the whole day.

But even when I am in bed I just can’t sleep. Sleep could have helped. I just could be without any reality, without any realization of reality.  But then, this damn sleep, I dunno where it went. I am just so sleepless. As if I have been sleeping for years!

What happened to my tired body? Did it not yearn so earnestly for sleep? For some rest? Some respite for the heavy schedule and the constant busyness? Where did all that tiredness-induced sleep go? Why just could I not sleep and get respite from my talkative brain for some time? Why can’t my brain just leave me alone?

Oh, some dog is barking somewhere! Did it see a satan or an angel? Or is it a mere stranger that is making them bark like this? What if an army of satans is coming to take us over? Would we all sin? All indulging in stuff they have been resisting for a while now? Things that they have been denying themselves?

Why is there this sudden thunder? Where did clouds come from? Is it raining? Would it rain? The dogs must have left to find shelter. There is no mourning, no barking anymore. Did God intervene? I can hear the rain now. Slight pitter-patter. Rahmah as it is seen. Did He ward off all the satans? Did he protect humanity?

But my heart is still fluttering. If the satan has been warded off, then why this fluttering? This anxiety?

Why can’t I just fall asleep?

And this fluttering, why won’t it end. Just why? Now it is even escalating. I suddenly find my heart sinking. As if something just went wrong. As if I felt some devastating loss. As if I am the only mourner and all of the grief is meant for me. And I am sinking deeper in this every minute. Every passing second. I can feel the blood drain out of my hands, my limbs. As if my core needed all the resources around. Yet I have no idea of what is causing me this agony, this pain. Why am I being tormented like this? What sin had I done to call upon myself such strange feelings?

The feeling of being trapped. Of being isolated.

Sylvia Plath. Wasn’t it she who wrote about a glass container that stood over her head, constantly, and separated her from everyone else. Maybe from her own self too. Bell Jar. She called it bell jar. Is it this jar hanging over my head too? Is it this glass that is segregating me from everyone? Preventing me from communicating, from connecting, from forming relationships, friendships? From anything human?

This sinking just won’t stop. I want to scream. Scream all this pain out. This strange feeling. This helplessness. This urge to have someone and the desire to be alone. This need of talking to someone, having someone to listen to me and yet having nobody. Hating all those people who keep asking what happened? What do I tell them what happened? Nothing happened, did it? It is just me, and my brain talking to me. Driving me crazy every passing second. Getting onto my nerves. Making me anxious. What do I do?

I just want to run away from all of this. All of this pain. People keep asking what it is and I have nothing to tell them. I just want to run away to some isolated, some uninhabited place. And scream. Scream till my lungs are numb. Till no voice can come out anymore. And with those screams, scream out all this helplessness too. This helplessness of not having any words. Of not being able to express what happened to me or what is it that I am going through.

Would those screams, that loss of energy help me? And even if it does, where should I go? I even don’t know a place that is isolated enough. What do I do?

I have no place to be myself.

Maybe I should get over this urge of finding a place well-suited for me. Maybe I can never fit in.

Maybe I should just stop thinking and sleep!

 

What Does One Do?

What does one do when nothing he feels can find words?

When the agony and pain are filled up and find no outlet?

The sheer helplessness of not finding the right words, the right people, the circumstances!

What does one do? Where does one go to scream? How does one let out all this pain? This emotion? This helplessness?

What does one do?

Closed Doors?

Off late I realised that people tend to indulge in comic videos, movies, jokes etc. because they don’t wanna think. They see everything but don’t really want to give it a thought. Their conscience knocks but they shut it off by indulging in laughter and silly stuff.

No, comedies are not made only to entertain and refresh people. It is not restricted to cheering people up. It is a means of closing doors to thought, shutting the mind off and not thinking.

Drugs are not the only means of escaping. Comedies are also used for escapism.

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All had eyes on drugs
how fast they intoxicated
leaving the person unaware
misbehaving, uttering nuisances!

They said it ruined lives
cause the impact they had
addicted, helpless, unaware
why should they not be cursed?

And in the stereotyped environment
they forgot: How
daily events impacted mind
behaviour of people

How a violent scene onscreen
promoted the same behaviour
and how frequent questioning
fills up mind with fear!

How a trip, an experience
change one’s outlook
how a book can surge anger
leaving you vulnerable.

It seems like people regard
one poison and other naught
cause if drugs are instantaneous
others are arsenic too!

No More!

I feel like being so selfish
Like dragging a dagger down his chest
I can see love in his eyes
But I love him no more!

He caresses in the most lovely way
As if I the only person in world
But my wounds have clutched my soul
Grief rendered me vulnerable no more!

I had become numb from feelings
Neither did I feel happy nor gloomy
And the list to whine had ceased
I wanted to love him back; but I could no more!

He wanted me to be the same
The care and love I used to be
But he couldn’t see what I could
I couldn’t be the same; no more!

In his negligence of behaviour and care
I had bestowed my everything on him
Now he wakes from his slumber
But I desire love no more!

Hard Love

They said, ” You have changed
You never behaved like this before
Something is not so you
Something in you makes us blue.

You don’t care the same way anymore
Nor do you consider us the same
Seems like the real you is somewhere else
You, a fake entity!”

She didn’t know what to say
So much had been going around
Grief had been her eternal partner
And people? Ah! Nowhere.

She had been what they wanted
The charm and support people desire
And all she got back were blames
Abuses and raised fingers!

And one day grief bestowed her
Showering love all over
Her feelings and pain all ceased
Turning her numb!

They said,” I am in trouble
Won’t you help me out? ”
She responded back unexpectedly
Provoking rather than helping.

Now she made them work themselves
Instead of doing everything.
And though they said she loved no more
She had switched to hard love.

A Villian

The most hated amongst all
Blames never missed to give him a call

The one people used to frighten
A bogey man for children

Someone who is cursed by all
Was he separated from people by a wall?

Someone who took pleasure in pain
for people was a cause of rain

Someone so sadistic as death
Would not leave without taking breath

For whom pain and rain was a bliss
Without having people so life would be amiss

But none inquired why it was so
Why he loved making people blue

What was he cursed with and by whom
What caused on him the fall of doom

What pain he hid in his bosom
Which flowers he witnessed being crushed before blossom

After Effects

He called her multiple times
by multiple names in a row
nothing seemed to affect her
she had turned insensitive!

He pampered her like a princess
cuddled whenever he could
expressing his love all the time
how she meant the world.

He kissed her on forehead
extended support whenever needed
but she seemed ungrateful
as if all was worthless.

Time had turned him sober
his behavior cherish-able
but now she was so numb
bleeding from the wounds of his anger.

Now he desired her more than ever
and she no more felt the same
her love had been wasted away
her feelings lost in a memory leak!