Grief

I had, all of a sudden, lost
a part of me
so dear, so intimate

I had, all of a sudden, felt
sheer grief
the unattainability of lost

I had, all of a sudden, roused
Oh! I lost this too
this process, I lost me!

I had, all of a sudden, revisited
stories, tales, laments
the pain of broken hearts

I had, all of a sudden, grief
a companion; somewhere disappeared
meanwhile revisiting memories

I had, all of a sudden, discovered
the pain of losing the pain
And like a mother with a dead child
I wander around, lost
lamenting, crying, grieving for grief!

Replaced?

Everyone has phases in life. Childhood, school, tuitions, college … Every phase has different people associated with it. Different bonds, different relations. Expectations. Aspirations.

And somehow sharing a part of life turns insignificant when a new phase is introduced. Somehow everything associated with a phase is let go. Maybe to make a place for new things. Maybe it is an escape way… who knows!

The only remnant we let ourselves have is a piece of paper signifying the time we spent, toiling.

Why was it so difficult to give people some space in life? To give time to people we once so cherished? Who meant the world to us at some point of time. Are our schedules actually so busy? Do we care so less?

From another perspective, we hold images of people we have met. Some memories. Some traits. And over time we tend to idealise them. Maybe we are afraid we won’t find them the same once we reconnect. Maybe they refuse to recognise… Maybe the place we had in their lives has been replaced. Maybe we fear the change in them.

Maybe…

Misunderstandings…

Control, Behaviour, Dominance
Understanding, Divergence
Sadism…

The act, Satisfaction, Urge
Pulling the string
Reason

Judgements, Rulings, Case Study
Ah! The stab of words
The loss of inner beauty

That hope in eyes
That shattered voice
That sudden end of story!

Mourning

The air was mourning their loss. A scream. And the scream gradually turned into sobbing. Heartbreak!

Their day started with buzzing of alarm clocks. Most annoying thing in mornings. And a second later mom would find her way in their rooms. “You are not up yet? You are going to be late. Hasten.” And there the struggles start. “Mom, I am not taking all this stuff with me. I can’t eat all this.” “Mom, let me sleep na, please!” All answers in negative. Nothing was entertained. They had to get up, get dressed and leave. Story of every student. This was a routine and they knew it won’t be altered. Nevertheless, they pleaded as undeterred. Has there ever been a child who wanted to go to school! Who did not need persuasion? Who liked it far from mom? Probably none!

In school it was a usual day. Made to study when they wanted to play. They did not want to but had to. No choices. After all this is what schools are meant for. And then recess. Freedom. Relief. Not long term but yeah, still a rescue. Their chatter filled the air. Gaiety. It is wonderful how a kid’s presence can change the environment. How a calm, quite place can be transformed into festivity.

Back home, their moms were busy cooking their kid’s favourites. Persuasion. Can a mom let her child be displeased with her? Never. She would pamper them as soon as they arrive back from school. Schools tire after all! Many a times they had no energy even to walk. Enter home and fall asleep. It was not pleasant for their mom’s either but it was for their future. How would they learn and prosper without attending school? They still did not. Life had other plans! Different from them and their parents.

During recess that day some strangers entered their school. Nobody noticed. None until they took out their weapons and opened fire. Bullets! Randomly, in all directions. Targeting anyone and everyone. But it was a school, wasn’t it? Occupied by children. Children! They were being gunned down. Killed!

As there were cries for help, security personals came into sight. Gunned down the intruders. But by then the damage had been done. So many mothers had lost their one dear child!

The scene was dismal. All one could see was blood. Lying around were corpses of festive children. Those who changed a place’s environment. Those who cheered everyone up. Whose presence only led to festivity. No more laughter filled air. Agony of life! Even the skies seemed to mourn. Everything and everyone fell silent in that moment.

On her arrival, all she could see was red! A scream escaped her lips. Everything seemed to have stopped in that moment. Nothing moved. Lifeless. She could not identify he child. Had he survived? Was he killed too? Where was he? No one knew. Unanswered!

She heard his voice, “Mom, I don’t wanna go to school today. Please don’t force me to. I just wanna stay with you.” Why did she not listen to him? Why did she force him to school? How would have one day’s absence mattered? She cursed herself. Why did she need to be so hard on him? Why did she not yield? This caused a stream of tears flow down her face. Remorse.

“Smallest coffins are the heaviest.”

A Conflict Within

parting-ways

Looking at him a euphoria
How plethora of memories arrived
Paralyzed for a moment
Unable to think or say hi

He talked pleasantly
Stating how he missed her
The difficulty in mind and heart
When unable to see her

How he yearned to meet again
Maybe something strikes again
The spark may not be dead yet
A light of hopes to survive.

She still lost somewhere else
As if she in a dream
Her yearning stood in front of her
She tied by helplessness

He talked of how years passed
And what all happened to him
How he conquered obstacles
His heart still burning

She recalled without saying a word
How difficult it was for her
Her every breath recalled him
But he was too far off

Her eyes had cried blood
Yearning to see him again
Her heart secretly tried to communicate
And head restricting the same.

She at times acted desperate
As if an addict in rehab
She had thought of even dying
Drowning in the floods inside.

But now with time she turned numb
Even his presence didn’t create a spark
Her heart was so much bound inside
Even her wishes died inside

Her heart died another death
When she again said no to him
The small ray of hope in heart
Was overcome by gloom

Her head ruled her life no doubt
But a rebellion thrived in heart
Even though her tongue said no
Her eyes spilled a thousand yes!

They hold hands for the Last time
A goodbye kiss on her forehead
And as they part from each other
Even skies cry and ask why!

FlashBacks!

empty-cradle-by-corymarchand

She woke up to the cry of baby
Maybe it is hungry
Calling for feed it must be
Then will it sleep peacefully.

She turns to her side only to find
The cradle is empty
She thinks for a moment, “where’s my baby”
A tear escapes her eyes

The fateful day plays before her eyes
How it had suddenly fallen ill
How it was crying in pain that day
How it refused any feed.

It’s feet were cold already
Medicines were being administered
They rushed to hospital soon enough
And returned with a dead body.

She turned and tossed in bed again
Haunted by its memories
How the cradle reminded her
Of her little angel

Amongst this she got out of bed
Her daughter slept peacefully
A smile donned her face so nice
As if adorning life’s beauty!

Praying silently for safely
Of long life of her daughter
She thanks God for what she has
And tries to sleep soundly!

True Love

hands-mother_00295103

Mother…

This one word makes one’s memory race down the forgotten lanes and relive all the care and love that has been bestowed onto you. The way she lovingly touched one’s head; that kiss on forehead; those cuddles.

Mothers love unconditionally. Everyone in your friend circle is loved equally. And every pup you bring home from roadside is taken care of. As if she has reservoirs of love; blessing everyone with it. No soul remains untouched.

May it be asking for some exotic dish or something extra than the pocket money, she hardly ever says no. As if she didn’t know what the word meant or what it’s usage is. As if all she ever wants is that smile you pass her when she fulfills your needs or secret wishes. As if our happiness alone is the criteria for her happiness regardless of how she is treated or what she feels.

And this is not so with humans only. Even animal mums are affectionate, and not just to their own kind but to all kids. As if a mother’s heart is devoid of any kind of classification. Unable to differentiate between her own kids and others’ kids. She loves them all equally.

And yet, when people talk of true love they talk of a guy or girl in one’s life. Does a mother’s love not count? Was her love not pure and true? Or is it that she did it all without being asked hence the negligence towards her? Does she not deserve equivalent love? Does she not need to be cared for?

Unending Search!

Sitting by the window pane she gazed outside. It was raining heavily. Now for hours together. These incessant rains had triggered off her memories. She could see her past in front of her eyes. Alive, active.

She had been a naïve sweet girl. Vary amicable and adventurous. Hyperactive. Type A personality. She always found something to do. Idle state was never meant for her! She moved around like an excited electron emitting energy. Or maybe a radioactive nucleus emitting radiations continuously. She simply could not stop. The high she got from being active was her motivation to be so even more.

She interacted with everyone. Trusted everyone easily. Everyone was a friend. Caring. Till a point in life all her care and love was reciprocated. Living was bliss. Hugs and kisses.

But how long does life let you be happy? Not long. Never. Life had huge plans for her. Everything was written in minute details. Every moment had been described. Every breath she drew had something associated. No, she did not fall in love. Her friends had always been enough. But now she was at a new place. Amongst new people. She had not changed but people around were no longer same. She discovered a new reality of life. Selfishness. Greed. People were not into friendships. Rather they had acquaintances whom they would use in times of need.  Everything was need driven. Unaware of this, she trusted and loved everyone equally, unconditionally. Only this time it was not reciprocated. All she got back was avoidance. This marred her initially. Were these people (supposedly) not her friends? No. though this dawned late on her, but she did realise this truth. No one was worth being called a friend. Undeserving.

Now she knew how to keep her expectations low. But then how could she? When she was a vault, she expected everyone to be the same. Unfortunate. No one was. She could not find herself a support. Learning to live by herself, and adopting to the emptiness too took some time. And then she stumbled across a person. A mentor. And here she lost herself again. She trusted him. Expected him to be, though low, but she did. It was beautiful cause he also displayed care. Maybe she mattered to him too. Did she? She came to know this soon enough. Her queries increased over time. Viola! He feels bugged and intruded due to her. An expected and awaited heartbreak.

What wrong had she expected? Some attention? An ear? A caressing hand? He was her mentor. Could she not expect even out of him? She could not understand what was happening in life. One day he would be a friend, the very next a strict introvert pissed off due to her! Beyond her comprehension.

This was not the first time it had happened. She had had multiple heartbreaks. Some even came from her best friends and close people. But this proved to be the final nail in the coffin. This incident sealed it all. She cried and talked. Talked to herself, giving explanations. Justifications. Attempting to cover up the wound that lay open. No one heard. No response. She screamed out her innocence. Words could not go beyond the walls. Soon enough she fell unconscious.

She could not understand the way world and people work. You choose to trust them and they break it. You choose not to and you lose all the great people who are actually bothered about you. Chaos. Silence.

And now she roamed the asylum corridors. Searching for her words, her innocence, her fault. Still searching answers. Herself!