Tormentor

I sit with him, Ah! the pleasure
His eyes, the way he smiles
chiseled biceps!

He asks, I speak
The trauma at my heart
What is it that keeps poking me

I speak of red,
The spilled colour
The bundle of joy dead on a street

I speak of a bed
Devoid of rest
Haunted by nightmares

I speak of rooms;
Painful, brutal sounds
Electrocution

I speak, unaware
the words incoherent
the ache, constant….

My tormentor, moved to tears
I, unphased, numb
unaffected

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Don’t Give Up

The times when you so want to curl up and cry, to hide somewhere, run away from everyone….

The times when you feel like giving up, like everything is worthless, like nothing is working in the way desired…

The times when the world comes crashing, when the skies fall, when the earth bursts open, when even the closest ones leave your side…

The times when you lose the purpose of living, when nothing makes a sense, when even the next breath is a burden…

Don’t give up! Look up into your eyes, re-ignite that fire, visualize your purpose. There’s an answer to everything…

Else’s Beloved

It was easy calling one special.
A few words of appreciation.
Introduction.

It was easy to get through.
A naive heart.
Attachments

They all said love empowers.
How you yearn the beloved. Happy.
Distance never matters.

Did they not ask a yearning heart.
The pain, trauma.
Watching beloved associated with another.

The smiles they would share.
A life time together.
Why didn’t someone mention the pain?

The dull ache when you see beloved with someone else?
Happy. Oblivious to your pain?
Why?

 

Hypocrisy

Someone, somewhere, someday said,
“Treat people the way
you want to be treated as”

I wanted to be cared for,
affection, relation
Love!

I reciprocated the same
Giving away care and love
giving smiles away

Unlike the expectations
I got alligations
fingers pointing at me.

Called attention-seeking
and fake;
Someone to be condemned
To be steered away from

Somehow I let an allegation through
like a bullet shattered glass
blood, pain, tears; a mess

Now, I seek a mask
I seek Me!

 

Replaced?

Everyone has phases in life. Childhood, school, tuitions, college … Every phase has different people associated with it. Different bonds, different relations. Expectations. Aspirations.

And somehow sharing a part of life turns insignificant when a new phase is introduced. Somehow everything associated with a phase is let go. Maybe to make a place for new things. Maybe it is an escape way… who knows!

The only remnant we let ourselves have is a piece of paper signifying the time we spent, toiling.

Why was it so difficult to give people some space in life? To give time to people we once so cherished? Who meant the world to us at some point of time. Are our schedules actually so busy? Do we care so less?

From another perspective, we hold images of people we have met. Some memories. Some traits. And over time we tend to idealise them. Maybe we are afraid we won’t find them the same once we reconnect. Maybe they refuse to recognise… Maybe the place we had in their lives has been replaced. Maybe we fear the change in them.

Maybe…

Final Step

Many times our dreams, our goals are just one step away from us. We just have to extend our hand and grab it. But more often than not, we are afraid of thatfinal step. That last brick in the wall.

Though we say we desire so and so but we never really yearn for it. Because if we did, we would grab it even if it were miles afar.

It is this last step that discloses whether that dream, that goal is really sought. Whether we really crave for it, yearn it.

All excuses, delays, time, blah blah come forth when we do it half hearted, as a compulsion. Else nothing would or could stop us.

On another level, maybe we are afraid to complete the journey. Once this dream, this goal is achieved, what would life be like. There won’t be this goal to work for. Would life lose its meaning? Would there be nothing else to look forward to? Would it be the end of everything? Would it invoke the feelings of lost?

A Step

There are so many times we complaint, complain and give up. Curse. Blame. And do nothing else. Nothing at all to change the current circumstances. To change the present.
It feels so good to be in the crowd, to relate to people, to whine along with them that they forget their own identity. They forget that this whining can end simply by taking one step away from the crowd. By not following what everyone is. By taking that risk of being talked about, ridiculed and mocked.
But that comfort zone is too dear. To the extent that we sacrifice dreams for it.
Why could we not that that extra step, that one step of agony and reach out to our dreams? Why give up? Why not bear a little more pain and achieve it rather than sit down nursing wounds?
Someone has written,
“Bus itni si doori, yeh mai hun ya manzil
Kahan aa ke phoote hain pairon ke chaale”

But, instead of lamenting and crying on the wounds, could we not take a few steps further, achieve that we started all this journey for and then nurse the wounds. In Glory?

I Seek Alone

Exhausted assuming this role
I no more can console

My share of love would find me soon
Why should I fret, worry or gloom

I am tired of all the whine
To be them, they need some wine

Ungrateful, complaining souls
devoid of dreams, aims or goals

Fatigued, I seek peace
I seek alone

Where To?

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Where to?
I ask myself repeatedly
Oblivious to the destination
This road leads to

I walk endlessly, thinking
This would lead me somewhere
Then I ask myself again
Where to?

This is devastating
How I don’t know
It is like being granted a wish
And not knowing what to ask for, where to

I look ahead
Trying to decipher signs
I find none, am I that lost ?
I head along, not knowing where to!

Sadism

I sit on the window sill
Watchful
Observing his features-
Him!

He lies down
Tired of the world
Closed eyes
“O! To be free”

He speaks pain;
Of glass walls
Dreams right in sight
O! Unattainable

He seeks redemption
A way beyond chains
A bird in cage
Seeking sky

Thinking penance,
He jumps in fire
Engulfing

Now, he lay writhing
Crying in pain
“Let me out,
This torment

It drives me crazy
Ah! Lashes
How do I escape”

I watch him over and over
Trauma, tears
Changing expressions
Screeching

I indulge in his pain