Can you, can anyone stop loving a person at any point of time? Like, “I am done, I don’t like this person anymore?”
Whoever it is, a friend, a lover, a teacher, one can never unlove. One can never tell oneself to not feel for someone.
And moving on? We just stop expecting out of people. Stop waiting. Quit all our hopes and accept the way we want someone might just remain a fantasy.
We don’t stop loving. We stop expecting any scenario with the person, anything together.
That’s how we move on!
I had looked forward to a dream. Something I was so in love with. I yearned, I waited everyday. Yet when I had it, it was all in pieces, broken apart.
And then, when I least expected, I had hope. Smiling at me and saying, “here here, I am with you.”
Even when nothing made sense, I know soon it all will.
It was a beautiful day. An amazing company. Shared laughter. While one conversation was leading to another, he asked: “What plans do you have for yourself?” “None”
Plans. Unknowingly he had now touched the raw nerve he talked about a few days earlier. Plans. What she wanted to do with her life. Which direction she wanted to choose. What paths did she desire to walk?
Very few people had bothered about this. Her desire. What she wanted to do with her life. And yet, amongst those few people, her family never featured. It was twice that someone wanted to help her. That the destination had been fixed, so let’s find the path together. Let’s walk together.
There couldn’t have been any sound better than that sentence. “I will show you how to.” And it still remained a mystery to her. Was it her naivety or was the person too convincing? Or was she too desperate to arrive that she drank from all cups offered? Never differentiating, never trying to probe whether it is water or poison.
A part of her did feel poisoned. Cheated. Like being promised of a dessert and getting a toffee. The path promised did exist but it lead elsewhere. Her desire, her dream, her destination was too far from the path she was trodding upon. A part of her always grieved. Maybe she should have probed more. What fun was it walking with people who wouldn’t even understand? Who mocked her? Her passion? What did they know? Had they themselves ever yielded anything from their labor of love? Just how could they?
And here she was, with another hand to take her there. The path seemed better. Familiar. Things she should have been doing for long now, but wasn’t. But a part of her was still hurt. Still afraid. Still wondering where this rendezvous would take her to.
Thoughts manifest into reality
the feeling you give out
comes back to thee
Numb, lost, immature
unable to comprehend
what world, emotions
I sought answers; road to my destination
the burden of questions heaving onto me
attempts to shake off everything
friends with solitude; company!
What would reflect back, I wonder!
Emptiness? Numbness? The answers I seek?
A detailed map to my destiny?
Some moonbeams as company?
The dark veil of moonless nights
Shroud for all the misery
That will to do something. Achieve. Be.
That something you aren’t ready to negotiate upon.
That lack of will they said I had. That lack of pure passion that fuels success. That I didn’t want anything done.
Days when I actually lacked everything else. Just breathing because it doesn’t need a voluntary will. No efforts.
Sometimes the will to give up too. That done for feeling. That I didn’t belong and it all was a farce.
The thing they said, maybe just to disqualify me.
Ek shaam ke sarhane pe
Ek khwahish rakh kar bhool gayee
Thandi si ek shaam ka aalam
Ek tum, ek mai, ek tanhayee
Lying cold, by a bare shoulder
The sight so vivid
And yet trans-like
Was it real? Reverie?
Truth or fantasy?
A dream too life-like?
I kept wondering
The words, fallacy
Entrance to another world
Existence of our being
And verses, binding us together
I kept wondering
What shall I do?
How do I keep this from ending
I kept wondering
Recently I was at Hazrat Nizammuddin Dargah out of sheer curiosity. And as I sat down, I observed people. There was no religious constrain anywhere. All kinds of people made up the crowd. Some praying, some kneeling, some listening to the qawwals.
Some time later, I felt like why would anyone follow all these rituals? Tell a stranger all their problems and expect them to provide solutions or even better, solve it out for them? Why would someone kneel at a grave, and pray? What was it that was pushing all these people to such doors to attain fulfillment?
Why did these people not work towards their goals? Why did these people not take their affairs in hand and sorted everything out? Why did they give ultimate strangers the power to change the path their life was headed onto?
It also seemed like an act of cowardice. Escapism. Non-seriousness. It was like finding the easy way out. Pray to someone. Tie a thread. And hope the prayers are answered. Like yearning for a harvest and waiting for rains to irrigate the land. Would the chances of harvest not improve if efforts were made to irrigate? Would the dreams not be met? Why was action missing?
But, on the other hand, maybe they had put in so much effort, so much of themselves in attaining the dream that they could do no more? Maybe they were too tired to walk further. Maybe they had worked themselves to the extend that they could only hope for a miracle? Maybe they had tried everything else and this was the last option?
Or they might be so crazy, so adamant to attain the dreams that they did not want to run a risk. They did not want to leave any stone un-turned that could take them to their dreams. However irrational the path seemed. Maybe for them that something meant more than anything else. And the absurdity of path was of least concern to them!
Oh! The possibilities. Of Reasons and Judgements.
Many times our dreams, our goals are just one step away from us. We just have to extend our hand and grab it. But more often than not, we are afraid of thatfinal step. That last brick in the wall.
Though we say we desire so and so but we never really yearn for it. Because if we did, we would grab it even if it were miles afar.
It is this last step that discloses whether that dream, that goal is really sought. Whether we really crave for it, yearn it.
All excuses, delays, time, blah blah come forth when we do it half hearted, as a compulsion. Else nothing would or could stop us.
On another level, maybe we are afraid to complete the journey. Once this dream, this goal is achieved, what would life be like. There won’t be this goal to work for. Would life lose its meaning? Would there be nothing else to look forward to? Would it be the end of everything? Would it invoke the feelings of lost?