“Your conversations, darling
mean a whole lot more
take another perspective
dig in a little more
There are signs, little diversions
things can get a little shady
don’t dig your own grave.”
I pondered, reflected, introspected
“How could words be so twisted;
intentions turned topsy turvy”
Guilt, shame, utter pain
my eyes couldn’t have cried more
a blatant blame onto me
Stepping back a little while later
recalling all I had said
the message I wanted to imply
I stand in front of a mirror
stare; peek into; ask questions
Guilty? At fault?
I get my answer.
No, I ain’t an attention seeker!
Sometimes I want to hold your hand and say,
“Don’t go yet. I still need you around. Be. Maybe just for a little more time. I know there’s nothing more to talk. Savor this silence with me. Let us just be.”
But leaving, you take away your hand abruptly. A strange anger in you. Your eyes rebuke me in a certain manner.
Somehow I know I shouldn’t say anything anymore.
The last time you said goodbye and I said alright, remember that time?
The last time we saw in each other’s eyes, let those words be, and left. Remember that silence?
The last time we could have held each other and didn’t? The support we could have been and didn’t? Remember that time?
Now, I see you grieving. Wailing. Lamenting the loss you suffered. The Trauma.
But I wanna ask, “Did I not matter when I existed? When I was there? Why did you take me so for granted then?”
Now that I shed my mortal skin and am leaving for chasm, why do you call my name? Chasing a ghost? Shouting out regrets?
Would the words not work if I heard them when alive? What fun now? The purpose of this regret?
Remember the last time you said mother? Parent? Care? Oh! So much of concern. How you should be aware of their feelings, and how our lives should revolve around them? Remeber saying they should be the centre of our world? The very thing that we should be constantly aware of? Careful of? Mindful of?
Remember saying that our lives should be dedicated to their care, paying them back for what they did for us as children? Remaining indebted and trying to make things even. More out of the intent to repay their favours rather than out of gratitude…
Why could they not understand that gratitude is not always shown by doing as the other asks. Gratitude is not giving someone control over your life. Gratitude is doing something for that other person out of your own personal will. The way you want to.
But when it comes to giving up control and freedom; when they ask to specifically take instructions and do whatever they say, this is not paying back or showing gratitude. This is enslavement. Under the worst pretext available.
There is a great difference between gratitude and slavery.
The times when you so want to curl up and cry, to hide somewhere, run away from everyone….
The times when you feel like giving up, like everything is worthless, like nothing is working in the way desired…
The times when the world comes crashing, when the skies fall, when the earth bursts open, when even the closest ones leave your side…
The times when you lose the purpose of living, when nothing makes a sense, when even the next breath is a burden…
Don’t give up! Look up into your eyes, re-ignite that fire, visualize your purpose. There’s an answer to everything…
Someone, somewhere, someday said,
“Treat people the way
you want to be treated as”
I wanted to be cared for,
I reciprocated the same
Giving away care and love
giving smiles away
Unlike the expectations
I got alligations
fingers pointing at me.
Someone to be condemned
To be steered away from
Somehow I let an allegation through
like a bullet shattered glass
blood, pain, tears; a mess
Now, I seek a mask
I seek Me!