A moonless night
A fresh fear
All is still and my room is lit
By the light across the street
Everything else, dark
No sound penetrates the silence tonight
No soundtracks in a groom’s caravan
No dogs howling…
The city is locked down
I look at the dark sky, wondering over my plans
And now, silently,
Awaiting my destiny to unfold.
You may try hard, as you want.
Tell me all the realities; our society.
But my wings are no more bound.
I care not about the cage…
I might as well be the change…
I had, all of a sudden, lost
a part of me
so dear, so intimate
I had, all of a sudden, felt
the unattainability of lost
I had, all of a sudden, roused
Oh! I lost this too
this process, I lost me!
I had, all of a sudden, revisited
stories, tales, laments
the pain of broken hearts
I had, all of a sudden, grief
a companion; somewhere disappeared
meanwhile revisiting memories
I had, all of a sudden, discovered
the pain of losing the pain
And like a mother with a dead child
I wander around, lost
lamenting, crying, grieving for grief!
Everyone has phases in life. Childhood, school, tuitions, college … Every phase has different people associated with it. Different bonds, different relations. Expectations. Aspirations.
And somehow sharing a part of life turns insignificant when a new phase is introduced. Somehow everything associated with a phase is let go. Maybe to make a place for new things. Maybe it is an escape way… who knows!
The only remnant we let ourselves have is a piece of paper signifying the time we spent, toiling.
Why was it so difficult to give people some space in life? To give time to people we once so cherished? Who meant the world to us at some point of time. Are our schedules actually so busy? Do we care so less?
From another perspective, we hold images of people we have met. Some memories. Some traits. And over time we tend to idealise them. Maybe we are afraid we won’t find them the same once we reconnect. Maybe they refuse to recognise… Maybe the place we had in their lives has been replaced. Maybe we fear the change in them.
When we are happy we often think of how long this would last. How far this will go. Would the dynamics of a relation change with time or it remains eternal.
These thoughts are often depressing. Making us apprehensive of future. Of things yet to come. Some may even turn possessive. Trying to resist the changes that might never happen at all. Are we all so afraid of losing a relation?
Is is actually a relation, a person we are afraid to lose? Or is it the change that would accompany the change? The loss of a comfort zone. The need of new interactions. The need to create a new space. A new comfort zone.
More often than not, we are afraid of the change. The effort we would have to put in once something changes. But why?
Are we apprehensive about our abilities too? Thinking we might not be able to do a thing again? Or do something in a better way? Or accomplish a new thing altogether?
Human potential is limitless. The limits we see are what we want to see, what we want to believe. Even if you tell yourself you have the capability to fly, it would. Never giving a damn about the presence or absence of wings.
I remember a time
When the prospectus of certain people
Got me blabbering about stuff
Random, vague and sometimes thoughtful
Now even with some good listeners around
I rarely speak up
Somewhere I lost myself.
The eyes of world saw different. Everything for them a blunder. It was as if they were at war with everyone; everyone who tried to do something unconventional. Because they see such people as a threat. That maybe they would redefine what society has already described. Maybe the current ways of life would be challenged by something more thoughtful, more appropriate.
These are the very same people, who when asked about religion say, ” In matters of religion brains are not to be used”. But if this statement were true, then why at all did Almighty give us brains? Or do they consider this a joke from Him, that you might possess brains but shall not use it.
These are the very same people who criticise for the sake of it. Criticism is something which brings the best out of people, which makes people work on areas they are weak in. But such people criticise only to bring people down. All they want is to makes others feel less privileged so they can rule. Hence they say that you are a zilch. They drag you down, not up.
And these are the people who talk about inhibitions and boundaries. How one should always be in character. They define a behaviour for everyone and whoever does not follow is an outlaw doomed to be criticised and rebuked at will. They mock and laugh at people’s unconventional choices so they may dominate and others may not.
These people never understand the difference between literacy and education. And the quest and insatiable desire for knowledge is unknown to them. Education for them is gained only in classroom and personal interactions a sin! Such people do not understand the value of an experience shared by someone. They do not understand we can learn even when we talk to someone elder or someone who has gone through something.
For a male conservative and orthodox society, every interaction is harmful and every gaze lust. They cannot bring themselves to understand that the intentions matter too. And when the intention is gaining knowledge and learning it can never be wrong!
And sometimes our good lies in the chaos. We fail to realise what good it may do us and whine about the struggles and obstacles. But in the end it all end up making us better.
Like for a pencil, the process of sharpening it may feel chaotic and painful. But the intention, goal and output are all good. Worth the effort and pain.
In our attempts to resist change we fail to recognise the good in it. But some rains are better than sunlight.
Looking around broken-hearted
something was amiss
the search continued for years
still not knowing what the yearning was for!
Things had changed and many more
yet they could not come to fore
everything they wanted was there
except the heart’s desire for peace.
Something would always go wrong
a little mistake blown out of proportion
passing blames on one another
and despising the change brought around.
And yet, they never acknowledged
their own roles in the changes
all was fault of the other
and self? A saint!
I feel like being so selfish
Like dragging a dagger down his chest
I can see love in his eyes
But I love him no more!
He caresses in the most lovely way
As if I the only person in world
But my wounds have clutched my soul
Grief rendered me vulnerable no more!
I had become numb from feelings
Neither did I feel happy nor gloomy
And the list to whine had ceased
I wanted to love him back; but I could no more!
He wanted me to be the same
The care and love I used to be
But he couldn’t see what I could
I couldn’t be the same; no more!
In his negligence of behaviour and care
I had bestowed my everything on him
Now he wakes from his slumber
But I desire love no more!