The Lonliest

loneliness11

Unheard by parents
And unheard by friends
I found respite in indulgence
Something people called drugs

I tried to talk and connect
They shall know my plight
All I got back was dictates
Rules to be followed and work to be done!

I spoke of my misery to my friends
They mocked me … laughed at my tears
I thought of them as companions
They were mere pleasure seekers

I thought my teacher could save me
They hold positions of our parents
But my approach yielded no result
I was shooed away… I wasn’t the favorite!

Pained by the grief of misunderstanding
I seemed to be the loneliest
None stood none understood
My life was a vexation

Turning numb towards the pain
I found my best friend soon
Someone who made me high,
with whom I forgot my pain

But I failed to understand
Why people look down upon the savior
Why they seemed so biased
Why they call drugs a menace!

Inseparable

And sometimes the only fault
Is how goodbyes are said
A little bit of inseparation
Brings floods unknown

All milestones get delayed
Everyone gets welled up
Some things just can’t be normal
One of them parting goodbyes

Some console some redicule
Some call it justice of Divine
None could understand the misery
The mother was hiding behind

Wondering how miracles happen
How babies are born
And how a chosen few get
More then the required

And the only fault in destiny
Was an extra chromosome
the one which didn’t part
Didn’t dare to say goodbye!

Rise And Fall

She was meeting him for the first time. A huge hue and cry was made about it. The whole family had gathered. She was being taken to meet a suitor.  Marriage! She did not know how she would meet him amidst all these relatives. She did not know how to meet him at all! She was feeling so reluctant. Blushed in face.

The suitor impressed everyone well. Everyone felt satisfied. They both liked each other. Or was it so? How could someone decide in a single meeting whether to marry the person or not. Nevertheless, they were getting married. Joyous environment surrounded both the families. What else gives our families better satisfaction?

They were married soon after, without a long courtship period. Their initial period had that hesitation of being with a stranger. That sudden transformation of life due to shifting from one place to another. Well because you said yes! They hardly knew each other at that time. Almost nothing but each other’s names. As days passed by, they got to know each other. Everyday revealing a new aspect of their personalities. And as time flew by, they fell in love!

Maybe that is the best feeling for a couple. To realize that they love their partner even when they were strangers at the time of marriage. That though they were tied together, they are doing good by being there for each other. As days passed by, their love increased. They did small things for each other. Building home brick by brick!

Soon their love reached zenith! The point where they felt they were inseparable. Even a moment of distance seemed unbearable. They were obsessed with each other. One a drug for other. Addicted! It seemed as if they would choke to death if their significant other was not available or away. Maybe this is what they call true love. Maybe this was just an obsession. Why otherwise would a partner’s absence make the other uncomfortable?

We all have lives before marriage. We all have that individual space and dreams. Then why do we associate to our partners as much as to influence our decisions? Sometimes compelling us to even quit pursuing our dreams? Maybe this we called compromise! Where we live to make each other happy rather than just pursuing personal goals. Maybe love changes our priorities. Maybe we seek love more than any other dreams. Maybe…!

But in our society, or in any other society as a matter of fact, does true love really exist? Maybe nah! Their obsession proved to be very poisonous. She entered home a minute late and questions started pouring like rain. It seemed like she was questionable for every breath she took. Why, how, when, where, these questions became more common. Like she was owned by someone. Why had she talked to a guy? Why had she decided something without his consent? Why’s followed her everywhere. He turned into a typical possessive husband. Keeping an eye on her. Rather, spying! He had somehow become insecure. His wife was beautiful, confident and had enormous potential. Somewhere in his mind he felt that she deserved someone better. Maybe this thought made him do all this. He kept an eye on everything she did. Every call she made; texts she sent; people she interacted with. Doubtful.

His possessiveness had grown to the extent where he did not want her to even leave the house premises, leave alone going for a job. He wanted to conceal her from the world. As if someone was going to take her away from him. His fears seemed illogical but he could not shun them. Was this the zenith of love? Was insecurity intrinsic to love?

These illogical fears made him question her on every thing. That zenith of love seemed to be lost. As if it had gained a decreasing trend. His fears had started consuming all the love. Nothing seemed to satisfy him. She had to be ready with explanations and proofs. He could question her on anything and everything. Who knew what would irritate him the next time!

She could see his love amongst all this but then it all was too harsh. She deserved some respect and trust too. She had a life before knowing him and she still had one. But did marriage snatch it all? Had she lost her life due to the relation? Had she lost all rights? Did she need to snap all contacts from her pre-marital life to stay happy? Did she need to give all her time to her husband only? She had no answers.

With time the obsessive nature turned the relation sour. No day passed without a fight which usually started over nothing. Maybe because they had nothing left to talk about! Was this a way to seek her attention? A way to say “I need your care”? But was the method correct? Was it fair for her? Love never hurts someone. Only our behaviour, our way of expression does! And so did it in their life too.

There came a day when he got angry over something. Something which was not her fault at all. Something which could not be controlled. Inevitable. Maybe destiny itself! And that day destiny had strange plans. She just did not want to put up with whatever he said that day. Hence she replied back to his every blame, every taunt. This aggravated his anger further. In a moment of rage, he slapped her. Hard. Repeatedly.

She stood there, baffled! She did not know what to do or how to react. Tears streamed down her eyes as a reflex response. Her mind unable to think for a moment. And then, she withdrew! Walked away from him. In that moment it seemed to be the only way out. Later, she packed her bags and left. Not listening to any explanations or apologies. Not giving in. She knew she had already had enough and now she had to stand up for her respect. So she did.

And that day, the line on graph touched zero. They had become strangers again. Living separately, unaware of other’s existence.

Conflict-photo

After Effects

He called her multiple times
by multiple names in a row
nothing seemed to affect her
she had turned insensitive!

He pampered her like a princess
cuddled whenever he could
expressing his love all the time
how she meant the world.

He kissed her on forehead
extended support whenever needed
but she seemed ungrateful
as if all was worthless.

Time had turned him sober
his behavior cherish-able
but now she was so numb
bleeding from the wounds of his anger.

Now he desired her more than ever
and she no more felt the same
her love had been wasted away
her feelings lost in a memory leak!

Take care

Health being one of choicest blessings
and nurturing it our behest
why to let go and gather spilt
why not cherish and enjoy the bliss?

Why put to future a question mark
why not today start a walk
why give preference to all the work
why not respect the hands of clock?

Work can’t go on without leisure
work for what when there is no pleasure
peace and satisfaction is more important
work is health and soul dependent.

Take some rest, cherish the view
for some moments watch tea leaves brew
don’t be late; moments fly
Live before saying the final goodbye!

Living Away…

It was gonna be fun. Freedom! Going away from home. Far away to study. No one shall bother when lying around lazy. Neither would anyone taunt over everyday failures or about something that happened two years earlier. Ah! that feeling. Maybe the best to say the least.

Shopping, packing, and a tearful adieu! And then? Hostel and books. Freedom! And it was fun. New people, new place and lots to explore. Super excited. Days passed by in that initial high of being far away. Everything was gleeful, pretty. Different culture, different ways. Exploration. Adrenaline high.

And gradually, the high started disappearing. Excitement had put a blanket over flaws. Now they started peeping their heads out like one, two …! Thoughts started filling up the mind. Comparisons. Can someone really replace family? Can your freedom be worth the cost paid? Was this actually freedom? Sigh. Fooled into a mirage. What seemed an open sea was in reality a small pond filled of rain water. Some heat and everything vaporized.

Homesickness. Initial visits to home were desperate. As if trying to escape some nightmare. And the urge to not join the college back. And those tearful eyes of one’s mother silently asking not to leave. Those calls from niece asking the reason for being late. Being told that the one year old’s are crying out your name to seek you. It seems good to know that your absence is being felt but it also kills you to know what all you are missing out. Is missing out all the family fun worth the freedom?

Living away from home, kitchen gets replaced by hostel mess. And all the curses are dedicated to it, criticizing as if it were the worst food available on the whole planet! King sized beds get replaced by a small single bed. And many times you even share the room. Back home? “Don’t enter. Private territory!” Many things change, many myths bust. Living with friends seemed to be fun in thoughts but in reality, issues creep up even with the best of them. Groups emerge and some hate you for no fault of yours, and go on spreading false rumors.

“Get used to and survive”, that’s the only way out. Surviving the day seems to be the ultimate goal. And if it is summer and you live in planes, only God can protect you. The heat, scotching heat is beyond people’s patience and endurance. Most in-campus hostels do not provide AC’s or provide them at high fees and they won’t work during college timings even if you stayed back. Welcome to a living hell. Back home, either the temperatures would not soar so high, or the infrastructure would ensure you peace of mind.

Purpose of hostel: Study. Results: Being lazy. No, hostels do not ensure a student’s study. They are better equipped to ruin students than to create good ones. More often than not, join a party and celebrate. Some days it’s a birthday; on others, anniversary. Many times there are no reasons. Just to fill that emptiness. And studies? Well what is the night before exam for!

Going places, cooking in hostel room and loud music. Which hostel is spared of this noise. What what is cooked? Maggi! Nothing else fills up your tummy that fast. And no one knows how to cook anything else either. Other times, time is killed in photo sessions. Get dressed and Click. Like it were the only job left to do in the whole world. As if all other things had been achieved. Like a bird set free…

Life usually gets out of gear except for highly disciplined people. Sleeping at 6 in morning and missing out classes is just the norm. But then, one month before exams the student population surprisingly rises to full so that people do not get debarred due to attendance woes. A dreaded result.

Living away from home for some four to six years; visiting them for a month in a year. Many times the time period would extend due to the urge to earn a Masters’ or for a job. Vising home less often; many times not. Is this not something so similar to getting married? The day you leave for hostel equivalent to your valedictory ceremony! For parents, even more difficult than that. Getting married takes you to a new household only. And studies? To far off beyond places beyond one’s daily reach. Choose to study out of the station and suddenly everything good is left behind. Sometimes even life is left behind.

However happy you are, a corner of your heart would long for home. Something inside always remains empty. Something… Dad’s pat on back can’t be replaced by a friend’s kind words. Neither can mom’s kisses be replaced by group cuddles. Some things mean so special that even the best of luxuries can’t replace them.