Recently I was discussing with a friend how body language is a huge contributor to communication. Non-verbal plays a vital role in comparison to words! (We studied that in some communication subject in B.Tech as well.)
Going by that context, facial expressions mean everything while communicating. A huge lot if not everything.
And then comes my case. The case of body language being out of sync with what I am thinking. As experimentally proved, a person communicating with me cannot decide whether I am in agreement or disagreement because a veil hides my expressions very effectively.
Not only am I am a mystery to many, someone present and yet not there, someone nobody can relate to, but I am also in-understandable.
For this, I cannot blame anyone as they lack the experience of communicating with a veil. (I can practically see through the veil of my childhood friends. For the ones I met later in life, a veil never prevented me from understanding anything.)
But my question is, is it worth changing my preferences and beliefs simply because some people would not understand?

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Sometimes I want to hold your hand and say,
“Don’t go yet. I still need you around. Be. Maybe just for a little more time. I know there’s nothing more to talk. Savor this silence with me. Let us just be.”
But leaving, you take away your hand abruptly. A strange anger in you. Your eyes rebuke me in a certain manner.
Somehow I know I shouldn’t say anything anymore.

Someone had said that one should behave in the manner a person wants to be treated. Somehow I managed to convince myself that I need to be there for anyone who needs. I as a person would love that. Being valued, being helped.
But then everyone does not have the same ideology. Everyone does not want to talk or help. Some want attention, others power. Yet others seclusion. Maybe what they do, and how they behave is in alignment with what they want.
Why should I judge them
why should I change my behaviour because of them…
Or should I?

Intent.
That will to do something. Achieve. Be.
That something you aren’t ready to negotiate upon.

Intent. 
That lack of will they said I had. That lack of pure passion that fuels success. That I didn’t want anything done.

Intent.
Days when I actually lacked everything else. Just breathing because it doesn’t need a voluntary will. No efforts.

Intent.
Sometimes the will to give up too. That done for feeling. That I didn’t belong and it all was a farce.

Intent.
The thing they said, maybe just to disqualify me.

I had cried hard someday,
“Where are you,
Call me back!”
The promise of “I am Near”

There was no voice reciprocating
no condolence, no light
I knew no better
The promise of “I am Near”

Shattered, in pieces
I yearned for light
I called, “When?”
The promise of “I am Near”

All the forms of care I knew
communication, touch
the yearning of His caress
The promise of “I am Near”

I had thought of fatherly strokes,
His hands on my head
Ah! my innocence, expectations
The promise of “I am Near”

And days later, I looked beyond
tears that had blurred vision
Ways He had reached out
The promise of “I am Near”

That sudden song I never heard before
That poem titled “Sawaal”
That recurrent dream, giving solace
The promise of “I am Near”

A sudden thought of hope,
A distant ray of light
The hand that said, “I am”
The promise of “I am Near”

No, the ways weren’t what I thought
He didn’t stand in front, embracing
physically He was never there
The promise of “I am Near”

And yet, all I could see was Him
in every breath, His presence
Managing my affairs through someone
The promise of “I am Near”

 

 

 

How many times have we heard of greatness? Of being something of value. Of being looked upto. But while we pray for such things, do we realise what would happen if all of that turned true? How would life be? Would it be some journey we are ready to embark on?

“Zindagi shamma ki surat ho khudaya meri”
It was pretty easy to pray for. Being a candle in a society. Being light. But did any of us realise what would it be like, burning like a candle to enlighten? What would it take to be that much to a society…

And what if some day we actually stumble across our destiny. If the prayer was accepted at some point of life, would we accept it? Would we be able to do justice to the work we have called upon us? To the responsibility we have asked for?

Do we mean every word we speak?

If not, then why yearn in the first place?

When I am asked for my birth date, I have no reply
I have died a million deaths and from there reborn

I sit with him, Ah! the pleasure
His eyes, the way he smiles
chiseled biceps!

He asks, I speak
The trauma at my heart
What is it that keeps poking me

I speak of red,
The spilled colour
The bundle of joy dead on a street

I speak of a bed
Devoid of rest
Haunted by nightmares

I speak of rooms;
Painful, brutal sounds
Electrocution

I speak, unaware
the words incoherent
the ache, constant….

My tormentor, moved to tears
I, unphased, numb
unaffected

The last time you said goodbye and I said alright, remember that time?
The last time we saw in each other’s eyes, let those words be, and left. Remember that silence?
The last time we could have held each other and didn’t? The support we could have been and didn’t? Remember that time?

Now, I see you grieving. Wailing. Lamenting the loss you suffered. The Trauma.
But I wanna ask, “Did I not matter when I existed? When I was there? Why did you take me so for granted then?”

Now that I shed my mortal skin and am leaving for chasm, why do you call my name? Chasing a ghost? Shouting out regrets?

Would the words not work if I heard them when alive? What fun now? The purpose of this regret?

Remember the last time you said mother? Parent? Care? Oh! So much of concern. How you should be aware of their feelings, and how our lives should revolve around them? Remeber saying they should be the centre of our world? The very thing that we should be constantly aware of? Careful of? Mindful of?

Remember saying that our lives should be dedicated to their care, paying them back for what they did for us as children? Remaining indebted and trying to make things even. More out of the intent to repay their favours rather than out of gratitude…

Why could they not understand that gratitude is not always shown by doing as the other asks. Gratitude is not giving someone control over your life. Gratitude is doing something for that other person out of your own personal will. The way you want to.

But when it comes to giving up control and freedom; when they ask to specifically take instructions and do whatever they say, this is not paying back or showing gratitude. This is enslavement. Under the worst pretext available.

There is a great difference between gratitude and slavery.